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2013年8月28日の勉強記録:添削してもらった

DS11 Yusuke Nomura

Independent Writing Set 1

Question 1

Directions:

Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay.

Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words.

 

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Although you might not receive top grades, it is better to take the most difficult or challenging courses in university.

 

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

Some people argue that taking enrolling in the toughest courses in university is valuable. Others contend that it may cause some problems. Although trying something difficult is really important in life and occasional hardships may inspire you, in my view, it is not necessarily vital.

I changed taking to enrolling because it is a better word choice. I inserted difficult to add clarity. Good opening statement.

 

I have been teaching in a college for ten years. I love teaching, and I feel that teaching is my vocation. Also, I love inspiring my students, who should try harder to study. in college. One day, one of my students, whose name was Kate, came to talk to me before the new semester began. She was a senior student. The talk conversation was concerned with which course in college she should register. take. She seemed to want to take many difficult courses, including the most difficult challenging course of her department. As a teacher, I realize that taking studying too many harder classes sometimes leads students to fail to get earn credits in school. I was a little nervous about her idea of taking entering the highest level class, because her ability to deal with tasks in college was not so high. However, her passion toward the class was so great that I did not talk her out of doing it.

I like the example about your student. I changed the verb take to other verbs to show range of vocabulary. I changed difficult to challenging to show variation in vocabulary. I crossed out get and inserted earn to demonstrate a better word choice. I deleted doing because it was redundant.

 

After the semester finished, Kate came to my office again to explain her situation. Since she failed in the one of her classes, meaning it meant that she could not get did not have enough credits to graduate., she said that she would not able to graduate. She was crying.

I edited the sentence to add clarity because I am not sure if she failed all of her classes or just one.

Looking back, when she first came to me first, what should I have said to her?  How should I have advised her? I should have recommended that Kate to reconsider again which courses she should take. I’m not saying that taking the hardest class in college is not worthwhile. On the contrary, such attitudes are really important to the in college life. In my opinion, however, teachers should consider students’ abilities. This is because one decision might change the students’ life.

(338 words. Just 30 minuits.)

 

 

This passage debates within one’s self about the decision making process. This does not support the question. I wrote some minor changes in this otherwise very good paragraph.

 

That is why I believe, in some situations, it is better to take the most difficult or challenging courses in university.

 

Good closing statement.

 

Development

 

Nomura-san, you agree that students, under some circumstances, should study difficult courses. To support your position you offer the example of Kate, who made an error in taking the challenging course and then failed it. The example does not support your opinion. It would have been better to write another example where taking the difficult course was successful and then draw your conclusions that under certain circumstances a stellar student should take hard courses while a mediocre person may want to consider others.

 

The method of debating with yourself about which side you should take is not appropriate here because the question implies that you should take a concrete stand on an issue and then support it. This will be much easier when your try to answer questions during this very difficult, stress filled and timed exam.

Organization

 

The course requests that you write two body paragraphs sandwiched between an opening and closing statements. I could not differentiate between the segments. In order to be successful in this exam, it is better to organize in this method because it helps to organize your mind. Remember, you have to think quickly.

Language

 

The essay displays facility in the use of language which means you can communicate thoughts and ideas in the English language. However, the raters are interested in how well you write this information.

Vocabulary is very important. You should try and use different words (variation), range (words that have s similar meanings especially with verbs) and lexicon that is usually reserved for specific areas of study (complex) like mitochondria, optics, conditioning and others more frequently used lexicon like intuition and supernatural.

I recommend that you read one or two paragraphs from an article in the New York Times web site (it’s free) during your commute. Write down words that are unfamiliar to you in the NOTES section of your iPad other similar devices, define and use them in a sentence. You will be surprised how quickly your vocabulary expands.

評価

3 (strong)

レイター

Tom

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